Title: From Russia With Love
Year: 1963
Order in Series: 2
Bond: Sean Connery
Director: Terrance Young
Budget: 2 Million USD
Box Office: Approx. 79 Million USD
Run Time: 115 minutes
IMDB Rating: 7.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 95%
Because this review is insanely gigantic, I’m going to jump straight into it and we can discuss any auxiliary tidbits and whatnots some other time.
Our film starts, again, with the classic James Bond introduction of the bizarre through the barrel shot and the blood and whatnot.
I don’t know why, but it’s kind of weird seeing James Bond in a hat. Like does he always have a hat in these intros? I can’t imagine Daniel Craig in a hat. Daniel Craig does not seem like a hat man. I know James Bond does have a hat, because he does his whole throws his hat on the hat stand when he enters Moneypenny’s office thing, but he’s not really know for his hat, is he? Like he’s known for the suit and the gun and the gadgets but not his hat. I’ve written the word hat too much now.
Because these reviews aren’t fucking long enough as it is, let’s stop for a second before things kick off and talk about tropes and the James Bond formula, as it were. Actually let’s not call it a formula, let’s call it some of the ingredients to the James Bond Brownies we’re cooking. Folk are free to add in walnuts for a bit of crunch or sultanas if you’re a moron, but you’ll always need your flower and your eggs and your gravox. I don’t know how to make brownies and hate this analogy already. But, after a few films the James Bond franchise had certain features that became staples over the years, some which were evident right from Dr No such as Moneypenny banter, exotic locations, bad guy with weird thing, etc. But from Russia with Love is where there really come into their stride with the Bondness. To use a fucking cooking example again, Dr No was like where you’ve tried an experimental dish for the first time and it has come out splendidly. From Russia with Love is where you’ve used the same items that made the first meal great but also added or enhanced a few ingredients here and there, like instead of 3kgs of baking soda you’ve added 3.1kg. Now, we’ll get to which one of these two films is actually better right at the end, but I bring all of this up now as right off the bat, FRWL diverges from Dr No almost immediately to what will become a Classic Bond Element in that straight after the retarded gun barrel thing we just get straight into some action pre credits. A ‘cold open’ as they call it in the biz, or a sting, or a dangle of the carrot, to whet the audience’s appetite with intrigue before the story proper begins.
What’s our cold open you ask? Well let’s dive in.
We open with what would be surmised in the script as follows. Old Mansion. Outdoors. Night. We see Bond run over a small stone bridge of said outdoors mansion in his classic tuxedo, pausing to observe a statue of a shitty winged horse.
Suddenly we cut to footsteps crunching carefully along the pathway as silence otherwise pervades over the soundtrack. It does not take long to establish that Bond is being followed.
The scene cuts back and forth from a somewhat frantic Bond to his calm, ominous pursuer, walking casually as Bond jogs for cover.
His assailant comes into view. He’s big, imposing and blonde. As this movie is called From Russia With Love and this film was made during the cold war era and Fleming had a lot of operations with the Russians, it’s safe to assume right off the bat that this guy is Swedish.
Big Swedish Guy snaps a twig on purpose, causing a panicked music sting and Bond to turn towards its source. It is now we get a proper look at his pursuer.
Actually no, he’s not Swedish, he’s not even Russian, that’s fucking Robert Shaw! (British, if you’re wondering)
Now take a look at that photo for a second. Does he look kind of familiar, like he’s been in some massive, watershed, game-changing movie but you can’t quite put your finger on it? Well if you’re having those feelings then you 100% correct as you could say that Robert Shaw played a quint…essential role in a certain cinema redefining 70s monster movie.
I’m so sorry about that, he’s godamn Quint from Jaws!
You probably haven’t seen him in much else unless you’re a fan of 1973’s The Sting, and his credits stop at 1978 as unfortunately he passed away that year from alcoholism related complications at the young age of 51.
He was allegedly a handful on the set of Jaws due to his copious drinking and you can tell by how perfectly he plays a salty, pickled old sailor in that film that he was in the full blown throes of alcoholism.
You can see from his performance in FRWL however that he was once a strong, handsome man and was a terrific actor throughout his entire career.
Anyhoo, Shaw continues creeping through the mansion grounds and Bond keeps looking back in a worried fashion as they go through hedges and past statues and generic rich person garden stuff.
Suddenly Bond sees something in the gloom and BAMS! fires off his pistol
Nothing doing though, Robert Shaw is all meh, that was nowhere near me, and continues hunting his prey.
Shaw then finds himself a good hiding spot and is now waiting for Bond to unassumingly walk by.
He then pulls out a ripcord thing that you get on a children’s toy, I’m guessing to strangle Bond when he stumbles past. The mechanism is pretty darn loud though so you wouldn’t want to do that when you’re say in a quiet, still, garden area where you’re one of the only two people.
Bond keeps on trucking though, not giving any fucks about the strangling-device-being-unwound noise. Then suddenly, bam, Shaw is on him.
He strangles him and Bond falls over dead.
Well thanks for reading guys, make sure to come back in another few years for Goldfinger!
Just kidding, in one of the bizarrest, most ham-fisted and nonsensical twists in all of Bond film history, suddenly the flood lights come on from the mansion to show that there’s about 60 people there standing and watching quietly.
Shaw puts his weapon back in his watch looking all, what of it?
Some official looking blokes from the mansion then walk over to him and some nerd with a stopwatch says, in some of the most poorly ADR’ed* lines in the film I might add: ‘Exactly 1 minute 52 seconds, that’s excellent’
* If you’re wondering what ADR is, it’s where they record a portion of dialog and plonk it in the movie somewhere. It can sometimes be the actor’s lines re-recording if they weren’t filming on a sound studio or it can be some dialog of someone off camera added in post-production to maybe insert a throwaway line of information or a reaction or something.
They then look down at the Bond’s corpse which has just decided to go full blown Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And then holy shit, I hope you haven’t just taken a sip of your Shiraz because you’re about to spit chunks at your monitor as holy shit – it’s a fucking mask. Que record scratch!
Turns out it’s not Bond at all but some tosspot with a moustache!!
Robert Shaw and co then all walk off in a hardcore, non-caring, aloof fashion back to the mansion as we fade to the theme song.
K, so let’s hold up a second here.
On first watch, you might have had a reaction much as I did which was something along the lines of: dude is in an anti-James Bond training course or something, no dramas. But the more you think about it the more it makes no fucking sense.
I don’t even know where to begin I’m so overwhelmed, so let’s approach this scientifically and methodically and begin at a logical, sensible start point – with the moustache.
Now, this is obviously some sort of simulation, like a training drill of some description. So the biggest X factor is Moustache Man. Was Moustache Man in on the fact that it was a training drill? Well he had to be when you think about it as he was wearing a fucking James Bond mask for a start. So he wasn’t kind of lured there as bait or anything, so he obviously works for whoever Shaw works for. So then, he’s in on this simulation and willing to participate, so what kind of simulation is it? I’m guessing he knows it’s a simulation to-the-death, as Fake Bond fires a live round at Shaw during the simulation. But then why does moustache man have to wear a Bond mask and the other guy doesn’t? I’d be a bit trepidatious if I was Moustache Man when we were getting out briefing and I had to wear a James Bond mask but Shaw didn’t.
Boss: Ok you two, meet in Old Man O’Hoolihan’s front garden at 7.30pm sharp. This is a live murder training exercise. You both have your prop bags yes?
Shaw: Did you just say live murder training exercise?
Moustache Man: Ahh sir, it seems like I have a gun and this mask, of um…, who is this? Is this someone famous or something? I don’t know this person. Do I have to wear this all night? Deems like it’d get pretty sweaty.
Shaw: You’ve got a gun?
Boss: Correct MM. You’re dressed up as our nemesis, British secret agent James Bond, and you, Robert Shaw will be hunting him in the garden with your watch thing.
Shaw: Seems pretty unfair but watevs.
MM: Hmm, so I’m the nemesis, some British secret agent guy? I feel that hmm, I’m not…meant to win…this simulation?
Boss: Oh, yeah nah whatever happens, happens you know? Just walk about in the garden and see what goes down. Psst, Robert Shaw, we’re totally banking on your murdering MM in like, under 2 minutes. Try to do it right in front of the mansion steps so I can theatrically turn on the mansion lights and don’t have to walk far.
MM: I heard that!
So Ok, Moustache Man is a fellow Bad Guy, and copped the short straw to battle Robert Shaw in the garden in some spy simulation. Like why the mask? Why with the mask??? Is that some weird kink that the organizer is getting out of it? Also Moustache Man doesn’t seem that ahh, intimidating. Like he’s in his little tux flouncing around in the garden, it doesn’t really seem like a great battle of secret agent wits is going down.
Also, how’s how lucky it is that Robert Shaw manages to murder MM right where everyone on the mansion parapet can conveniently see. Like yep, murdered, simulation over. Or was MM not aware of the location but aware it was a simulation? So part of Robert Shaw’s training was to try and coral him to that area to publicly execute him in front of his superiors? Also, apparently a minute 57 seconds is a good time to complete the Garden Level. I wonder what cheats he unlocked.
So have other secret agents done the same level, like murdered some guy in a James Bond mask but in say 3 minutes 20 seconds? Surely word would have gotten around the barracks that if you got told to put on the James Bond mask for a particular training exercise you weren’t coming home the next day.
This start sequence, as you can see, is utterly, utterly nonsensical and the most ridiculous part of the whole movie, which makes me think it may have been an afterthought that was tacked on late to get the film started with a bit of action, especially due to the terrible ADRing that’s on display.
Anyway, we now crank into our first actual proper Bond introduction song. If you’ve read the Dr. No review you’re well aware that the introduction song on that film was nonsensical garbage with bizarre, abrupt changes that come out of nowhere, but this one is actually a coherent piece of music and imagery, if an excruciatingly long one at that.
It’s a kind of orchestral twist on the Bond theme and it’s pretty good, with dancing girls in the background as the credits roll over the top of them. The start of it is particularly neat with some rapid firing trumpet and drums to get things going.
The dancing girls are also belly dancers, which isn’t just a random choice but, spoilers, will appear in the film itself.
As said our credits are superimposed over faces and bodies and shaking as well as naked jiggling bellies.
As per 60s start credit guidelines, this goes on for a fucking eon – I guess giving you time to park your Chevrolet Firebird, take a quick dump, pour some whiskey into your watered down coke and grab an overpriced popcorn, as we clock in at an excruciating 2 minutes 25 seconds.
Once we’re finally fucking done though, we fade in to Venice and a bunch of gondolas fluffing about on the canals.
Establishing shot done we then change to our location of interest which is the Venice Grandmasters Chess Championship where two dudes, one Czechoslovakian and one Canadian are battling it out in chess. Will one of these guys be a Bad Guy? Are you racist if you immediately think it’s the Czechoslovakian guy? Was Czechoslovakia part of the Soviet Union during the 60s?? Spoilers, the Czechoslovakian guy is definitely the bad guy.
We have a pretty awesome tracking shot of an opulent chess-battling room complete with insane chandelier and rich, bored looking guests.
We zoom in to our as of yet unknown dude who is mulling over his next move, cigarette in hand. He looks high as shit.
He annihilates the fuck out of his opponent’s bishop then presses his little clock thing and announces ‘check’ I’m sure that’s a big deal in the chess world.
That sort of tickled a little part of my brain suddenly where both Bond films have had a start sequence where there are two people battling in a game of some description. Isn’t it also weird that chess has a lot more respect than say if they were playing Tetris on the Atari? I wonder if in 100 years Tetris will be like the snooty mind game because a) we’re all turning in to fucking morons and won’t know how to play chess anymore and b) I sure love me some Tetris.
Also, there’s actually a crowd there. Of people. Watching Chess.
Like Chess is one of those games that’s actually boring to play it let alone watching the bastard.
And how’s the crowd’s view of absolutely nothing? I’d be craning my neck and being all ‘Oop, yep, King knight 4 to bishop -9, now he’s fucked’ *Finish 9th beer, punch person behind me.
The fancy waiter puts a drink down, and our ominous chess guy looks at him in utter disgust and contempt.
The waiter lingers, sexually, and they lock eyes. Someone’s getting hate-fucked tonight. But holy shit, he’s also super stealthily put a secret love note under his drink.
It reads: ‘Meet me behind the dumpster. R U Wll hng?? Bring lube.’
Weird Chess Molester takes a drink in a manner that no one on the planet Earth takes a drink, by picking up his coaster as he drinks, which isn’t at all completely fucking obvious that something is up. However, no one seems to bat an eyelid or question this at all.
The note actually says ‘You are required at once’
Pretty clingy if you ask me, tbh. Like I’ve had my boss sometimes email me after 6pm and I’m like nah, I’m not opening that shit. Especially if I was in the midst of a chess tournament in Venice.
He then dabs his mouth with his coaster, yet another thing that civilized society doesn’t usually do, and now gives his opponent the old fuck eyes.
His opponent, Man Who Works at DMV But Out The Back In Accounting looks perplexed.
He makes his move to wit our friend looks at him triumphantly and moves his queen? The big one? To another square, sealing his victory.
Canadian Child Molester Principal knocks his king over in defeat, signifying Ominous Chess Guy’s victory. I’m getting the feeling that the movie is trying to tell us that OCG is a man of Superior Intellect.
Canadian Molester congratulates him on a brilliant coup and they actually shake hands, which is good sportsmanship from our mate, he could have just walked out like an asshole, but he didn’t. Good stuff OCG.
OCG walks off and we cut to a Rich And Powerful Person’s Yacht, somewhere off Venice I’m guessing.
Here we also cut to one of our other main villains of the movie, ‘Number 5’ aka Rosa Klebb, played by the actress Lotte Lenya aka *deep breath* Karoline Wilhelmine Charlotte Blamauer. Wonder why she gave herself a stage name? Lotte steals the show in this Bond film in many ways, and we’ll get to those when the time comes, but to begin with she plays an excellent and quite sinister and menacing female villain in this picture and, given some of the memorable scenes that you’ll see in due course it must have been something pretty different for the early 60s.
She was primarily a theatre actress, and it seems a lot of actors and actresses who transitioned from theater to film could just…ah..act better and seem to just ‘use the room’ a lot better.
Anyway she is introduced by a character sitting in a chair that us the audience only get to see the back of. His voice is pompous but deep and sinister. He makes mention of his adjacent fish tank and its contents, lamenting: ‘Siamese fighting fish, fascinating creatures. Brave, but on the whole, stupid.’ I wonder if he’ll use his fighting fish to lead into some kind of METOPHOR or ALLUSION?? Surely a super villain wouldn’t do something as on the nose as that?
If you haven’t guessed yet, the bloke in the chair is Number 1, the leader of SPECTRE. You know, the guy with the cat.
You’re not going to believe this, but he goes into a metaphor about would governments by using his fighting fish an example, saying that the smart fish lets the two fight and then quickly dispatches of the weakened victor when the time comes.
It’s actually a pretty cool little introductory scene, and Lotte obviously has her finger on the pulse and tots picks up that it’s metaphor, especially at the end where Number 1 says ‘And like SPECTRE, he strikes’
‘I find the parallel amusing’ she says, not looking amused at all.
Although didn’t he say before that fighting fish are stupid, and now he’s saying that SPECTRE is a fighting fish? Geez Number 1, get your shit together. Anyway.
Next he jams in some exposition, ‘We didn’t get you to come over from the Russians, just to be amused number 3’
This small sentence establishes a lot that a) she’s Russian, b) she’s a dirty traitor defector and c) something else.
He then pushes one of the buttons on his little desk console
If I were him I’d probs label them, like you don’t want the doorbell button getting confused with the trap door button or the set chair on fire button is all.
Luckily he’s remembered that the button second from the bottom is door open button however, and the far door slides open to let in Kronsteen, the chess guy.
Here it’s established that Kronsteen is Number 5 and that he’s Director of Planning.
‘I hope his planning is as successful as his chess’ she says, having a full blown dig at his hobby that he’s passionate about. Also what if he lost that chess game he was at?
Now Kronsteen for our benefit gives us some exposition which is going to be the main plot of the story.
‘I have planned to steal from the Russians their new Lektor decoding machine’ he says. In order to do this they need a female member of the Russian cryptographic services in Turkey, and the help of the British secret service, he divulges smugly. Wonder where this is going. Could there be…a double cross afoot?
He goes on to say neither the British nor the Russians will be aware that they are working for SPECTRE. All this time we cut back every now and then to Dr Claw and Mad Cat, err, Number 1, stoking his pussy but never showing his face, showing that he’s Mysterious and Ominous and Isn’t Going To Show His Face For A While.
Number 3, the old Russian battle-axe lady says that she has selected a lady for the task from the consulate in Istanbul. Apparently she’s Capable, Cooperative and Loyal. She also says it’s very unlikely that her lady will know that she’s working for SPECTRE.
Number 1 asks Kronsteen if this plan is foolproof and he’s all, yeah brah, I have anticipated every conceivable counter move. OMG! That’s also what makes a good chess player! Coincidence!
Now we get some interesting crisscross. Number 1 asks why British Intelligence would fall in with this plan, and Kronsteen says because they will know that it obviously is a trap!! But they’ll take the risk because they want to get their hands on a Lektor as well.
He also says on a personal note it would be good to get the scumbag who killed their old chum Dr. No. Holy shit, talk about your James Bond Expanded Universe! Next he says it’s almost certain that they will send their sexiest, most manliest of Secret Agent: The all singing all dancing Jimmy Bondo!! I guess even though it’s wildly inefficient to give fucks about it, R does stand for REVENGE in SPECTRE so, yeah, guess you have to work by the company guidelines.
Like, it seems for all the secret agenting going on, James Bond seems to be known by pretty much everyone. Surely, surely he would change his name for assignment to assignment if he was such a notorious Secret Agent. Like he even uses that name at hotels and whatnot. Not even Jason Bourne does that. Imagine if you were a low level henchman, working at a nice restaurant to pay the bills and you saw some British guy hitting on the waitress who was all ‘Yeah nah, Bond, James Bond, martini please.’ You’d be on the phone to your boss straight away.
It does baffle the mind how his blatant disregard for subtly gets by under the radar so much, but it’s also fun in a dumb way.
Also does the British Secret Service only have about 3 secret agents? Like ‘hmm, Fred Jones is on leave this week and Jerome’s wife is having a kid so yep, it should be James Bond being sent on this mission, good timing.’ Guess things were simpler in the cold war.
Just harping back quickly to the chess game and the note as well, it seems like this meeting is a pretty casual and non-urgent one really. Everyone is pretty much just sitting around, looking at fish and having a chat. If I was number 5 I’d be all ‘Dude, you sent me a cryptic drink coaster note for this? You said I was required at once, I thought someone had died or something! This totes could have waited until this afternoon!’ Anyway, it’s obvious to establish that when Number 1 summons you, you’d better finish up your chess game and get the fuck over there.
Anyhoo, Number 1 says ‘Let his death be a particularly unpleasant and humiliating one’ as he grabs one of his fish out of the tank and feeds it to his cat alive.
Kronsteen says he shall put his plan into action immediately and there will be no failure, and then, quite abruptly, we hard cut to Robert Shaw sunning himself on the grass, or sleeping off a hangover.
Some lady who looks like she’s in office garb rocks up to him and then immediately goes to whip her tits out.
She loses the skirt as well and in fashionably huge 60s panties proceeds to give Robert Shaw a rub down next to his gym equipment
A helicopter then arrives and lands out the back of the mansion they’re at.
It’s Rosa who is greeted by our friend who was conducting the Murder Simulation with Robert Shaw and Mustache Man.
‘Welcome to SPECTRE island!’ he beams over the whirring helicopter blades. Massive coincidence that, the island being called SPECTRE Island. Maybe that’s why they bought it.
Bald Mansion Guy tries to shoot the shit and talk about the weather and whatnot but Rosa gets straight to the point and says she wants to the man she’ll be recruiting. (Spoilers, it’s Robert Shaw)
She angrily flicks through his dossier and reads aloud his various accolades such as Convicted Murderer, Escaped Prison, etc. (Also his name appears to be Donald Grant, but for clarity let’s just keep calling him Robert Shaw.
Baldy gives Rosa a flirtatious rub on the arm and says for Robert Shaw to be brought to his office, however she recoils from his touch in disgust, gives him #meToo eyes and says she wants to see him now.
Baldy goes on to say that Robert Shaw is one of the best recruits they’ve ever had, a homicidal maniac who scored excellently on the Moustache Man Standardized Murder Test and his response to their indoctrination has been remarkable.
Rosa gets walked through the training area that’s just ripe for a Leslie Nielson gag (which doubtlessly has been done somewhere in his oeuvre) where she walks past various hardcore training scenarios like Machine Gun Practice
Shirtless Machine Gun Practice
Judo Wood Chopping
Hardcore Flame Throwing
And pudgy nice guy fighting
I can just image if this was a Naked Gun film or something there’d be a guy throwing a lettuce at a blowup dole in there at the end or something.
It’s actually a pretty awesome single take scene though, with the camera panning along slowly as they walk through the various sections.
They finally approach Robert Shaw who is now getting his arms done, but for some reason the masseuse is more oiled up than he is. Does she not know how to massage? Does she know that the massage oil is meant to go on the massee, not the masseur? Either that or its insinuating they’ve been writhing amongst one another.
Rosa and co watch on from the bushes. You can practically hear Rosa getting a wide on.
Baldy calls Robert Shaw over and he responds quickly, strolling on over wearing just his towel.
He stands there presenting himself to her as she eyes him appraisingly.
Randomly she whips out the brass knuckles and slugs him one as hard as she can in the guts. He barely flinches and she’s all meh, he seems fit enough.
Like does Rosa randomly cruise around with a pair of knuckle dusters in her pocket in case she has to throw down and was just improvising, like what can I do to test this guy?…oh, me dusters! Or does she carry around her brass knuckles for that exact reason? They were ready to go in her pocket as well, she didn’t even have to rifle around in her purse.
If she often does that to recruits is she kind of known for that? Like maybe Baldy was like ‘Just a heads up Robert Shaw…Rosa, this ball busting Russian lady is going to come check you out tomorrow, but while she’s doing her hands behind her back walk around thing, tense up, because she likes to slog dudes in the guts with brass knuckles. Just go with it.’
Watching the scene a few times it looks like she hits Robert Shaw pretty fucking hard actually, so kudos to the both of them on that.
Also, In case you’re wondering we’re still yet to hear Robert Shaw speak, building a kind of mute psycho motif about him.
Happy with his ability to take a knuckle duster to the guts she tells him to report to her in Istanbul in 24 hours and walks off as we fade in to an establishing shot of Istanbul.
Three women are shown leaving the Russian Consulate who look like they’ve knocked off from a day at work. Now I don’t know what the hell they’re saying as the copy of the movie I *cough* bought doesn’t have English subtitles for the godamn Russian parts. Neither did the 3 other subtitle files I downloaded, so we’ll just have to make it up as we go along.
The blonde one thanks the other two for that torrid full blown lesbian session and says she’s going to hit her dildo bong to get wiped out as soon as she gets home.
After all it can’t be that important what they’re saying, just females gas-bagging in their typical female way, it all sounds the same in the end hey fellas, huh!?
She looks at a note she has in her hand with trepidation, I’m guessing it’s a terse note to come and visit Rosa at some secret random location for a super-secret assignment, so she’s seen making her way up some cobles to an undisclosed location.
She asks a policeman, in Russian again, where whatever is written on her note is. He promptly tells her to fuck off though (I’m guessing) but luckily he also just happens to point in the direction she needs to go.
The scenes and the buildings are all great by the way as she makes her way through a bunch of old haphazard apartments to get to her meeting.
Holy shit though, turns out she’s being tailed by Robert Shaw, looming ominously in the background.
She knocks on the door with hesitation and it is answered by Rosa, holding a riding crop no less. I guess if you cruise around with knuckle dusters it’s also not weird to be packing a crop as well.
Rosa shows her in and asks our lady, Tatiana, if she knows who she is and she’s all yeah brah, you’re Colonel Klebb, Row 3, 4th from the left in Guess Who.
Rosa asks if Tatiana has told anyone she’s coming here and she says no, the message said not to.
Tatiana, if you have rocks in your head and need to be told, is our Bond Girl for this film and is well, pretty damn stunning.
She was played by Daniela Bianchi, an Italian model who was runner-up Miss Universe in 1960. She, like the Bond girl in Dr No had her voice dubbed over due to her heavy accent, but in this film it seems less noticeable. FRWL was actually pretty much her only English major film, but she has starred in a handful of Italian and French films during the time as well. Weirdly, she was also in a James Bond parody film called Operation Kid Brother (also known as O.K. Connery) which also starred Sean Connery’s brother…Neil Connery. It’s terrible. Did you know Sean Connery had a brother? Wonder who the favorite in that family is.
Anyway, Rosa puts on a pair of faux John Lennon / costume store insanity glasses and begins to paw through her dossier.
Rosa first butters her up by saying that her record is excellent and mother Russia is proud of her.
She then segues straight into awkward sexual assault territory and orders Tats to take off her jacket.
Tats does so without question.
Rosa starts panting over her Russian delight and says she’s a fine looking girl.
There are many excellent, excellent scenes in this film and this rates pretty highly. Lotte Lenya’s acting as a creepy older woman in power is spot on and makes the scene terrifically tense and awkward. Also remember this was 1963 so as you will see as the scene unfolds this must have been a real eyebrow raiser back then, surely.
Also in general, you’ll find a lot has changed between Dr. No and this film, even though barely a year has passed since their releases. They really push things a lot more in this film in terms of what they show to the audience, and we’ll discuss it as it comes, but if you recall they didn’t even show an onscreen death in Dr. No and the heavy petting they dared show was pretty soft. Also the violence, while realistic, was never that gruesome as a lot of the time there was no blood on a person, even if they were stabbed or shot. One can imagine due to the success of Dr. No they were allowed to get a bit more ballsier with what they could show.
Anyway, Rosa tells her to sit down and then rattles off some intimate facts about Tats, such as that she trained for the ballet and she’s had 3 lovers.
Tats gets a bit riled at the personal questions which sends Rosa off the handle and smacks her riding crop on the desk, telling her she’ll ask whatevs the fuck she wants.
This puts Tats back in her box so then Rosa whips out a picture of James Bond and pretty much says ‘Would you fuck this dude?’
Tats is all ‘Meh, he’s ok, he’d have to be rich, funny, big dick, listen to my bullshit all day long etc, etc’ as Rosa comes in close
Rosa, holy shit, then just full on over steps the mark and cops a grope of Tats’ creamy, heavenly legs. No joke.
Tats kind of brushes her off awkwardly and they both keep on cruising like nothing happens. Been there sister.
Rosa says that Tats has been selected for an important assignment, giving false information to the enemy. If she completes the assignment, she’ll be promoted – but sexy twist, she has to do anything he says.
Tats asks what if she refuses, and Rosa says, well bitch, you will not leave this room alive.
Finally she says she will obey the orders. Like, no shit.
Rosa touches her up and tells her to lose the po-face as it’s an awesome assignment, and if she tells anyone, even people at the consulate she’ll be shot.
This is where Rosa full on gets her creep on, stoking Tatiana’s cheek and neck lovingly as she looks away in disgust. We fade out so they can scissor violently on the desk.
We cut to some guy pushing a gondola thing down a river. I think it’s a gondola, it would be pretty confusing if we’ve had several minutes of shenanigans in Venice and then we cut to a place with a completely different kind of water craft that is pushed along by a pole. Ahh no, I guess we’re actually in England as holy shit we finally pan to Bond, making out with some slut in his own boat thing. For a second there I almost forgot this was a Bond film as we’re an incredible 18 minutes in and we’re only just getting to him now.
Also, hold the phone, they’re sans most of their clothing and having what appears to be a post coital make out session…is…is this a Bond Fuck right off the bat? Oop, no, I’m looking over to the 3 impartial judges who oversee these proceedings and two of them are shaking their heads. A tough call, but a fair one I guess. You could say that their fucking happened before this story began, so the fucking isn’t actually part of this story, thus not accruing a point on the bang-o-meter. He didn’t bed her during the run time of this film is what I’m trying to say. I can send you the 1100 page rule book on the finer details of Bond sex counting if you like. Please send me your email address.
If you look closely in that screen grab Bond has a string tied around his toe, the other end tied around a bottle of champagne that has been submerged in the water to cool, because of course he does. That would probably get uncomfortable and cumbersome after a while I reckon, but I’m not James Bond.
He whips it out and gives it a feel (the champagne, perverts). It’s not quite cool enough though so he hurls it back in. They resolve to make out some more to pass the time when his little beeper thing goes off in his discarded jacket.
He gets up and heads over to his car and says that he has to make a phone call, much to the chagrin of his current squeeze.
She bitches about that they haven’t eaten yet and she’s starving, but he gives no fucks about this and strolls off in his jocks.
He gets to the car and picks up a phone receiver that looks a lot like the one your grandma has in her flat, which is just sort of handing there on the dash. Not sure how that would work. He must have a really long phone extension cord.
He talks to Moneypenny and she says that the boss has been looking for him all morning. He says he’s been reviewing an old case. Ay? AY??? *elbows you in ribs*
Is that the chick from the hotel in Dr No?? I can’t be bothered looking it up.
Also as Moneypenny shoots the shit with him she also just casually lights up a cigarette while she’s on the phone like a boss. Man the 60s ruled so hard. Everything sucks now, I wouldn’t be surprised if in 20 years we’re not humans anymore but a bit bunch of throbbing, crying vaginas that get offended at everything.
In a pretty funny scene his woman comes up and whinges that he called her an ‘old case’ to which he tells her to shush and that he’s on the phone to the office. It’s good stuff, way better than I’m doing it justice here.
Ooh – informative tidbit – she’s not the girl from Dr No, she predates Dr No, as he says they’ll do this another time and she says last time you said that you pissed off to Jamaica.
She forcefully tries to undo his buttons and whoa, I hope you’ve got a removalist on standby because the tables have turned, and suddenly he is all #metoo and slaps her hand away.
You women. I tell ya. When are you going to learn that no means no and we’re not pieces of meat? We’ve got a long way to go in society.
He says to Moneypenny he’ll be there in an hour, then changes his mind to an hour and a half. Floozy looks VERY happy at this.
He chucks the car hood up and as we fade out he says in his creepy deep Sean Connery voice ‘Noww…about that lunch…’ to wit she giggles at excitedly.
What?
Does that mean she’s getting dick for lunch? Or did they throw that line in so it didn’t seem like they were just going to be fucking the whole time? They were totes fucking the whole time. That’s a 1 on the scoreboard people.
We now fade in to Bond opening his office door and throwing his hat on the hat stand ala Dr No, but unbeknownst to him M, his boss, is also behind the door, looking on in disgust.
It’s actually pretty funny, he closes the door expecting to see Moneypenny swooning there, but instead gets disgusted boss in bowtie.
This kills Bond’s mojo pretty quick and without another word they promptly get down to business. Hey ho, there’s also Q lurking in the background.
Desmond Llewelyn, the character who plays Q has been in the most Bond movies out of any actor or actress, clocking up an impressive 17 and working with 5 different Bonds. Also he disconcertingly has not appeared to have aged the entire time.
Bond and M chat about how this Tatiana bird at the Russian embassy in Istanbul has specifically asked for Bond to help her. They both agree it’s ridiculous as Bond has never heard of her. It totes has to be a trap, they both surmise. But we also want a Lecktor, they also ad. They’re…they’re falling right into the hands of SPECTRE!
This stuff between the two of them is great again, I’d love to one day have a rich wood desk and have enough clout to smoke a pipe in my office.
M says she wants to defect and will turn the Lektor over to them if they help her, but on the condition that it is specifically James Bond who helps her, secretly so SPECTRE can exact revenge. Wait a gosh darn minute, that’s one of the letters in the SPECTRE acronym!!! They are nothing if not true to their err, word? Letters?
Bond sees a photo of Tatiana and almost fires a load all over M’s nice desk. He’s booked on the 830 plane M says. If there’s a chance of getting a Lektor, they simply have to look into it.
So at this moment Q isn’t a tired, sad trope yet played by a tired, sad actor. Poor old Desmond Llewelyn, he looks dead inside in the later installments. In this movie he is simply referred to as ‘The Equipment Officer’ and potters in with his little briefcase of junk.
Actually, I tell a lie, M then says ‘Q Branch has put together some sick luggage for you.’ Although the dude himself isn’t referred to as Q.
All OO personnel are issued this thing apparently, not just exactly Bond for this exactly assignment. Also I just noticed, but everyone calls Bond ‘Double Oh Seven’ but is his number actually ‘Double Zero Seven, as in 007? Or is his code actually Double O, as in the letter O? So his code is OO7? Like is it when someone gives you their phone number and they’re all Oh Five One, Three Two Oh, but they really mean Zero, or is it actually the letter O??
The name of the video file I have is definitely 007 as in zeros the number and the official James Bond website is zeros, but I will watch this with intrigue as the films unfold.
Anyhoo, what’s in the briefcase you ask? Well its actually pretty decked out. There’s two sets of 20 rounds of ammunition, a throwing knife, a folding sniper rifle (Inside the actual case) with infrared telescopic sight and 50 gold sovereigns, which is not the currency of Narnia, but was actually once a currency of great Britain. I’m not sure exactually sure how much they were worth..were they 1 pound? If you’re old and British let me know.
Finally it also has a tin of tear gas where if the clasps are opened incorrectly it goes off in the person’s face. Now I’m going to try and keep track of what junk Bond actually uses from his briefcase full of junk, let’s call it the Bangometer.
Bond then takes his leave and has another sexual tension moment with Moneypenny
They’re fabulous and classy again and wax romantic about him jetting off to Istanbul. It makes one yern to travel and have sex with a receptionist.
Bond gets told to leave his masturbation fodder photograph behind, to wit he signs it ‘From Russia With Love’ and hands it to Moneypenny. Movie title, yeah!!
Cut to a plane landing and Bond walking through the arrivals hallway of Istanbul airport. As he cruises through a super obvious looking bad guy approaches him masquerading as his driver…wait..is this the Dr No review? Actually no, don’t panic, he’s actually a good guy as they do the thing where they speak in code to make sure the one person is the other person.
Bond: ‘Do you have a match?’
Other guy: ‘Yeah, my bum and your face’
Bond: ‘Well you must have a very Scottish looking asshole’
Other Guy: ‘It is quite boggy, especially in the north’
Satisfied that this is in fact his man, Bond goes with him. If you’re worried there will be no subterfuge don’t panic, a student from Philosophy studies 251 comes up to fill in the Ominous Person Who Is Going To Tail Them gap.
Wait, hold the phone, Robert Shaw is also there, getting in line for some red hot tailing action. It’s just a tailing Eisteddfod up in here.
Bond’s contact in Istanbul is a bloke called Kerim Bey and the driver suggests they go see him immediately to wit Bond agrees.
Bond asks about the super obvious tail and the driver says nah yeah, s’all good, they’re Bulgarians working for the Russians and we just follow each other about to keeps tabs on each other for shits n giggles. They park up in the middle of a flock of pigeons at some historical landmark you’re definitively not meant to park on and walk through the streets instead.
Bulgarian Edgar Allen Poe is still tailing them, now furnishing his look with a hipster tin coffee cup.
They go through some coffee shop, and hidden behind a rug on the wall is a door. Hidden behind the door is a floozy, awkwardly pulling her dress down and walking out. Has she been FUCKING IN THERE??? Read on to find out.
She walks by without saying a word and the two walk in to find our contact Kerim Bey, or jovial, Turkish Monopoly Man.
Bond tells him that sending a car for him was ballsy as it ties Kerim in with him, but Kerim doesn’t give any fucks and says it’s good to be obvious for the Russians as they’ll most probably find out anyway.
Kerim says the driver is his son and in fact all of his key employees are his sons, including his toilet cleaner and ballbag wrangler. What?
Kerim also thinks something fishy is going on with this whole rigmarole of the Russian bird wanting help from Bond, but none the less Bond asks where he can find her. Kerim says that she’ll contact them and for now they just have to wait
Some rando brings in their coffee which he swings very precariously on the tray.
Kerim says he should just spend a few days in Istanbul and then fuck off home.
We cut to Bond’s car leaving and the Bulgarians car tailing, but lo and behold Bulgarian Emmanuel Kant is looking on in consternation.
Turns out Robert Shaw has tied up his colleague and made off with his rig!
Bond rolls into a hotel and the reception bloke informs him that his room is ready. Bond gets shown his room and looks on in disgust at the single bed. He immediately starts calculating where else he can do all his fucking.
Smooth as a motherfucker, the bellman asks if there’ll be anything else and Bond says ‘Only this’ and slips a used condom in the man’s breast pocket.
‘You don’t get the tip, you get the whole shaft ya cuunnnn’ Bond says before walking off.
No only joking, he’s slipped a small wad of cash in there, that by the look of the bellman was quite sizeable.
I’m rubbish at tipping, especially at hotels. I’m from a country where you don’t tip, so when I do go to a tipping country I immediately get anxiety over it . I either don’t tip at all and am left picking the nuggets of poo out of each meal, or accidently tip too much, then have to continue to tip that lavish amount for the rest of the trip.
Bond checks out the furnishings of his hotel room once he’s alone.
His spy instincts not tarnished by the long flight, he looks behind a couple of paintings to find a big, obvious listening device.
He whips out a weird, generic spy device, one which Q did NOT brief us on I might add, and holds it to the phone. It makes a cracking sound which Means Something.
Bond uses the phone to call reception and tells them he wants another room because the bed is too godamn small. The hotel staff are in on his ruse and say that that’s the only room available except for the bridal suite. He’s all, better give us a look at it then. They’re actually happy at this, Bond has fallen right into their trap. I think.
We cut to Robert Shaw who pulls up right out the front of the Russian Embassy, gives the guard out the front the stink eye and then hops in some other random car and drives off. Perplexed, the Russian guard walks over to the first car and opens the back door only for a corpse to flop out.
It turns out the car he’s just jumped into has Rosa in there as well, who tells him good work, the Russians will totes suspect the British of this.
In case you’re wondering we still have yet to hear Robert Shaw speak.
K, we start jumping around a bit now, first we fade into an establishing shot of the Blue Mosque and then abruptly cut to some floozy on a bed somewhere. Is she meant to be in the Blue Mosque?
She’s actually another one of Kerim Bay’s bitches and he is utterly ignoring her as much as he possibly can without leaving the room: Back to her, pole in the way, facing the opposite direction, reading something. Like read the room sweetheart, he’s just not that into you.
She whines for him to come join her, caning to gag on his big hairy Turkish balls but he isn’t having a bar of it.
Finally, with a massive sigh of disgust he puts down his crossword or whatever he was doing and grudgingly decides to throw her one. Their coitus is interrupted however when an explosion blows a hole in the wall and the Bond music trumpets swell. Intrigue!
Bond walks into the now ruined office as Kerim and co are cleaning up. ‘Limpet mine on the wall outside, tried to catch me at my desk,’ Kerim explains. Kerim thinks it odd that the Russians would do this, seeing as they’ve got their weird truce and all. Bond thinks it might be because of his presence there, so Kerim decides they should find out.
Kerim guides him to another door behind a wall carpet. If you’re ever in Istanbul and someone has a door behind a carpet on the wall, then they may be up to no good. Turns out the door isn’t to a sex chamber, but to an ancient reservoir that was built by Emperor Constantine 1600 years ago. Pretty cool to have one of them in your back yard.
They hop in a gondola for a romantic boat ride together, which isn’t at all awkward for Bond who is at crotch level.
Kerim pokes them around the gigantic reservoir which seems like for hours and quips that it’s his daily exercise at 11am and 3 in the afternoon. Not sure how he gets anything else done if the round trip is several hours. It also looks like a bit of a shit hole, where the camera even shows rats clinging desperately to his boat ore. Also wouldn’t it be pitch black? Bet it would stink as well, a big body of water like that under the bustling city of Istanbul. All those tabbouleh dumps have to go somewhere.
They park up at a random spot and walk though some hole in the wall where Kerim says that they are now under the Russian consulate. He whips a sheet off something sticking out of the roof to reveal a full on submarine periscope!!
Apparently when they were getting the consulate renovated and the Russians were temporarily kicked out he had a giant military grade periscope installed in their office, and no one seems to notice.
Like I kid you not, it must be full on in the Russian meeting room, just sitting there ogling at them. If you’ve ever seen a periscope, they’re fucking huge, especially if one is sticking out of your floor.
Apparently there’s 4 folks up there but he can’t see the face of the 4th. The can’t hear anything though so they don’t know what or who the General is cracking the shits at.
Suddenly man number 4 is revealed! It’s no one we know yet but apparently it’s some hardcore Bulgarian killer. Kerim says he’s an asshole and reckons he’d most likely be the man who did the limpet mine job.
Their girl Tatiana walks in to deliver a message. Kerim asks how she looks and Bond can only see her legs, but like an old horn dog he says ‘Well from this angle things are shaping up nicely.’
Bond wants a plan or drawing of the place and Kerim says he’ll get onto it.
Kerim says it’s probably not safe for Bond to stay in the hotel tonight so proceeds to drive him out to the middle of bumfuck nowhere. Kerim says he’s taking Bond to hang out with some gypsies so Bond immediately rolls his eyes in disgust and hides his wallet. Gypsies are gross.
Kerim pulls them up to some decrepit shitbox of a house with crappy gypsy music playing in the background and they are shown in by a bunch of armed men who are watching the compound. Although unluckily for Kerim’s awesome plan, there just happens to be a bad guy watching that place and immediately calls up the hardcore Bulgarian guy to dob them in.
I jape, the hardcore guy and his cronies are a while away but he says he’ll fucken be there gunz a blazin in no time.
Some dirty gypsy comes up to Kerim and tells them that they’ve come on the wrong night because two girls are in love with the same man and have threatened to kill each other. To Bond that is called ‘Saturday night’
Regardless of this going on however, they are invited to a table.
As they’re sitting around getting smashed, some shitty Romanian music cranks up and the belly dancing starts. Just like during the introduction song! Omg!
The belly dancing goes on for a while, cutting back between Kerim and Bond getting slaughtered on bad alcohol. We then cut however to Hardcore Bulgarian Guy who hurls a ninja star or knife or something at one of the guards at one of the gates and murders the shit out of him.
The solitary guard dead, they drive in and we pan over to Robert Shaw sitting behind a wagon jus chillin, because why not?
We belly dance a bit more, and the dancing Romanian bird gives Bond a piece of her action. He’s keen of course, but mentally contemplates how green Romanian herpes would turn his Johnson
The music ends however and she runs off, and Bond says to Kerim to tell the host that his hospitality overwhelms him.
We get a reply from the big host Romanian with some of the bizarrest ADR I’ve ever heard, as if he were a cartoon character trying to racial offend the nation of Romania. You have to watch it yourself to really understand how odd it is.
We now cut to two women being let out of a stereotype round Romanian caravan each, both equipped with random gypsy knickknacks over them. As soon as they’re let out they’re at each other. Could these be the two girls that are in love with the same man????
They claw into each other like 2 angry kittens until some random dude breaks them up.
They strip down for the viewers benefit and go at each other for reals in front of the tribe? Gang? Nest? of gypsies
They fight each other like B grade X men characters where their superpowers have forgotten to be green screened in
It’s a pretty funny fight scene, and the reaction shots of Bond are classic, filmed at neck height to hide his throbbing erection.
One of the girls throws the other on to a table and picks up a beer bottle and is about to bottle the shit out of her, nightclub style, when gunfire suddenly breaks out at the front of the complex.
It’s Angry Hungarian Guy and his goons storming the place, driving their truck in and then jumping out, guns a blazin.
Old Kerim doesn’t seem to panicked though, he just remains seated firing wildly at whoever comes into his field of view.
Gun fight scenes ensue as shitty gypsy caravans are set on fire and random extras fall over and flamboyantly die.
Bond pops up here and there, firing his little pistol into the night, and shock horror, Kerim gets shot in the arm by Angry Hungarian Guy.
Kerim, like a badass, looks at his wound and is all ‘Meh’ and just changes and keeps shooting.
Things continue in this manner for some time. It’s ok, the action is medium to well done if not being overly exciting. Just to remind us that he still exists, Robert Shaw pops up again, looking ominous as usual.
More gunfire. The camera pans out to show random melees of people rolling on the floor laying into one another, or ROFLing as the kids call it these days.
Robert Shaw watches on silently from the shadows and actually helps Bond by shooting some Hungarians that were sneaking up on him. Bond isn’t going to just randomly get killed by some dirty Hungarians, no sir! He needs to be alive so he can be killed for vendetta reasons! And like do SPECTRE want a lecktor as well? Is that a thing? I can’t actually remember.
The Hungarian dude and his goons retreat like a bitch, leaving Bond and Kerim to immediately hit the piss, injury or no.
Oh, and you may be thinking, did Bond murder any folk during these proceedings to take his total deaths off a still pitiful 0?
Well, yes! Turns out he does! Let’s go through the melee montage with a fine tooth comb:
First he shoots man setting fire to caravans.
After that he king hits some dude in the neck while he’s fighting some other guy, causing him to crumple to the ground like a sack of shit. Is it a Kill though?, mmm, don’t think so.
Next he cuts loose a flaming caravan, causing it to careen into 3 men who are pinned up against a fence. We cut away before we see the carnage, but at least one of these fellas would have carked it, so I’ll give him one for this.
Next he trips a random dude and stoves his skull in with a pistol whip, but again, not a kill I’d say.
Bond then shoots a dude at point blank range who is running at him, definitely a kill.
He then shoots a gunman on a ledge that’s about to kill the big fat gypsy king dude. Kill.
He then pushes 2 dudes into a shallow puddle, more a mild inconvenience than a kill.
Just after Robert Shaw thing he then shoots another dude. Kill.
So there we have it, give or take I’m saying Bond just murdered 5 people. Good effort I’d say.
The gypsies torture one of the wounded Bulgars, probably by getting a horse to stand on his balls, or forcing him to stand next to one of them for several minutes, and it turns out yep they were after Kerim Bay. But why, everyone wonders perplexedly.
The big fat gypsy king comes up and thanks Bond for saving his life and says that he is now his son.
Bond says, yeah cheers, but in return he wants the sluts to stop fighting. FGK says yeah ok Bondy, we’ll stop the slut fight but, haha, twist, you have to decide to the matter!
We then cut to Bond, shirt open, showing his manly rug and washing his face in a bedpan when the two ladies work in.
Kerim appears behind them like a weird little genie and says, here you go Jimmy, fucken decide son.
He says ‘They’re both yours’ and then laughs maniacally and walks out.
Ahh. Is implying that a full blown threesome is about to break out where the two gypsy girls are super eager to please James Bond?
Did I write this?
Bond stand up and rubs his hands together ‘Righto, first 1 want the girl on the left to suck my balls while the other plays with herself, then you two make out for each other a bit then’
Sorry I just shot a load in my pants. Ahem. Actually, Bond says enigmatically, ‘this may take some time’ and then we fade to black. So he totally, totally had a full blown three-way with these girls or at very least fucked both of them, all the time comparing which one was better, critiquing their man pleasing skills. You may as well just stop watching now. Well folks, that takes our sex count up to 3 women now.
We fade in to Bond in a post coital glow being attended to by both of his conquests, both with a look of shame and regret.
He then discards them without a second thought as a car comes to pick him up and he jumps in.
‘Did you pick up that package from the hotel?’ Bond says offhandedly, as if to fill in a forthcoming plot hole.
How Bond suddenly knew there was a package for him at the hotel while he’d spent the night in a gunfight at a gypsy camp is anyone’s guess.
We then cut to Bond and Kerim walking the deserted streets of Istanbul at night, Kerim’s arm now in a cast. Continuity!
They’re standing on the street looking at some hotel windows with Kerim saying Bulgarian Killer Guy has tried to kill him twice, so he must repay the favor. I guess the Bulgarian murderer guy just lives in a normal hotel in his down time.
Bond says ‘Ur arm is fucked bra, so you won’t be shooting any guns’ and says he’d better leave it to Bond if there’s going to be any shooting involved.
Kerim complains that he’s already in his debt to wit Bond says, how can a friend be in debt? Friendship development through shared adversity! They are trying to build up Bond and Kerim’s growing respect and fondness for one anther which means that Kerim definitely, definitely dies eventually.
It’s a sad story actually, the actor who plays Kerim Bay, a Mexican gentleman by the name of Pedro Armendariz was actually painfully dying of cancer in his hips region at the time of filming From Russia With Love and he visibly limps in a lot of scenes for this reason. Eventually he was admitted to hospital sometime after filming finished, but the pain became so excruciating that he ended up shooting himself with a gun he smuggled into the hospital. So a bit of a hardcore in life as well as fiction.
The final stages of his life are an interesting tale, especially due to the fact that he was also in the hilariously, bafflingly awful 1956 John Wayne film the Conqueror where John Wayne, no joke, plays the role of Mongolian War Lord Genghis Khan. You heard me correctly. John Wayne. Playing Genghis Khan. It truly has to be seen to believed, so do yourself a favor and try and sit through it as it is one of the most stunningly miscast films of all time.
What also makes this film infamous however is that it was filmed in close proximity to where the US government was conducting above ground nuclear weapons testing in Nevada at the time. Within 25 years of the production wrapping, 91 of the 220 people who worked on the production had contracted cancer and 46 of those died, Pedro eventually being one of them.
Anyway, Bond fashions a sniper rifle from his hotel package that randomly arrived as they look on at the hotel where the Bulgarian guy is staying.
They quickly take half a step back to conceal themselves as two police walk up in the otherwise completely empty street.
It turns out that the cops are Kerim’s sons and the Bulgarian Murderer guy has a private escape hatch that will lead him on to the side of the building they’re watching if he thinks he’s in trouble.
He says his sons will go up and ring his doorbell so that he’ll try escape and then can shoot him in the fucking face. Kerim, in a super manly fashion gets Bond to rest the gun on his shoulder for stability, like it’s a normal days work.
Kerim suddenly changes his mind and is all ‘Arm or no arm, I have to pull that trigger’.
Bond is all, Dude seriously!?
He shrugs though and gives up his weapon, reminding him that he’s only got one shot. Literally 1 second after the sons ring the doorbell BMG is at his escape hatch crawling out. Bond watches on as Kerim prepares for his shot.
Kerim fires and gets him in the fucking back where he groans theatrically and falls to his death.
‘That pays many debts’ Kerim says in satisfaction
‘She should have kept her mouth shut’ Bond quips, alluding to the giant female poster that was on the building wall, their assailant’s escape hatch right where her mouth is. Although it can really be applied to all women, all of the time. Scene ends.
Bond walks back into his hotel room and tired after a few days of threesomes and killing orders breakfast for the next morning. Green figs, yougurt and coffee – very black, if you’re wondering. In the extended edition DVD you can watch him spoon it into his vagina for half an hour.
He hangs up the phone and his spy senses start tingling. Something is amiss! He sniffs the air, like a dog. What does he waft? Has someone shat themselves next door? You’ll have to keep reading to find out. Thinking it must just be his musty balls he strips down and runs himself a bath, but then a noise is heard in the next room. Not bothering to re-clothe, he grabs the nearest towel and strolls on out, possibly forgetting that he just murdered a notorious assassin and is being actively followed and watched by the Russian government.
The noise has come from his bedroom so he goes to the balcony to look through the window and is all no way, there’s a slur hopping in mah bed, that was the easiest pick up ever.
He busts in and turns the light on, and holy shit, turns out it’s Tatiana helping herself to his bedding.
‘You look surprised to see me’ she says ‘I thought you were expecting me?’
Bond immediately activates his Fuck Eyes and looks her up and down hungrily.
‘My friends call me Tanya’ she says
‘Mine call me James Bond’ he replies. That’s awesome.
They shake hands like they’re in a business meeting
He sits next to her on the bed to hide his massive hard on.
‘You’re one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen’ he says. That’s a massive call from James Bond, massive.
In a really, really bizarre exchange she says, ‘Thanks, but I think my mouth is too big.’
‘Mm no, It’s just the right size’ he says, quickly calculating the circumference of his penis.
Even more bizarrely the camera does a full of close up of it. Her mouth that is.
‘For me that is’ he adds, violently face fucking her right there on the bed. Jk! He just sticks his tongue in her mouth instead as the music swells.
While he’s probing her facial orifices he sexily asks her where the decoding machine is. And she’s all eugh, do we have to talk about it now.
What a weirdo, not getting turned on by decoding machine talk.
She says it’s at the Russian consulate. Totes killing the mood Bond is all yep, sweet, if you get some plans to that place we’ll meet at the giant mosque thing to exchange. Even though you can sneak into my room undetected no problems.
It’s some pretty saucy stuff between them. ‘I know all about you’ she says, fingering his manly scar on his back.
‘I hope I don’t disappoint you’ he says
‘I will tell you in them morning’ she says lying back, ready to be taken roughly.
They make out and then we pan up to a mirror above the bed. In yet another bizarre twist in this movie, we enter the mirror and we see that, no joke, someone is filming their fucking…one guy is even watching on and smoking!
If you watch this scene closely as it fades out you can see the man smoking nod to the camera man as if to say ‘Fooking yes luds’
We fade into an establishing shot of Tats making her way to the San Sofia mosque with the blue mosque and Philosophy man in the background
There’s a small tour group of about 12 people in there and the rest of the Mosque is empty. If you’ve ever been to San Sophia, you know this is the fakest part of all of the Bond movies.
Bond is there and looks like the most non-touristy tourist ever, to the point where if I was a tour guide and that guy was on my tour I’d be like ‘That guy is definitely up to something, I bet he’s going to put that briefcase somewhere in the mosque and some other person is going to pick it up, mysteriously. I bet he’s either a spy or involved in some kind of subterfuge.’
As hinted at, he’s carrying a briefcase around with him on a tour, wearing a full suit and inexplicably wearing massive, thick sunglasses in the gloomy crypt. Like in case someone notices him? Are those sunglasses going to throw them off? C’mon James, you introduce yourself to everyone by your real fucking name, I don’t think you need to worry too much about subterfuge. His yelp username is probably VaginaFiend_TheRealJamezBond_SunglasssesGuy
San Sophia Mosque – Turkey: Wuz gud, tur wus boring n shit loz, paid a homeless guy to piss on another homeless giy but. 3.5/5
Bond immediately and obviously splits away from his group, looking around in a suspicious fashion.
Tatiana walks in and conspicuously looks around for James who subtly gestures at her with his sunglasses to go off to the side from about 600 meters away.
We make our way through the mosque and in a pretty cool shot we see James in the foreground and tats in the background, both making their way to the rendezvous point.
Bond stumbles upon bourgeoisie guy also watching Tats but is unaware of Bond’s presence. It must have been the sunglasses.
Tats places a Thing at the bottom of a pillar as the music swells and James changes direction, whipping out his gun and wrapping it in a handkerchief. Gross.
The bloke following makes his move and goes to pick up whatever Tats put there only to get his shit ruined by Bond who bludgeons him with his gun filled hanky. Actually, wait a second, hold the phone, it’s not Bond…it’s Robert Shaw! The camera quickly switches to reveal that Bond is still slowly making his way there! Robert Shaw quickly walks off without being seen as he sees Bond approach and Bond finds the bludgeoned Bulgarian guy on the floor. He doesn’t look overly surprised at his prone form on the ground and pries his hand open to reveal the plans to Russian Consulate. Scene ends.
Whelp, we’re about half way through this monster so this seems like a good place to leave it for now. Check back soon for part 2!
isaysfli 